Dear Abby used to appear in the same section as the comics did in the Sunday paper. I would occasionally read the column. I can distinctly remember the column that made me never read it again.

It was the column about toilet paper orientation. At nine years old I decided her advice was not worth a damn because she justified the right direction was “over” because, how else would you see the pretty designs? That’s not an argument! That’s an assumption that I get toilet paper with pretty designs. What if my TP was plain? What if I had stripes? What does it matter? It’s going to be used on your nether regions to clean up after your bodily functions! It’s toilet paper.